Transcript of One Night with Psilocybin

It’s so strange listening to a recording of myself after consuming three [strong] dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms (post six hour fast). I tend to hate the way mushrooms feel in my gut, especially on an empty stomach, but I wanted to honor the late, great Terence McKenna.

I don’t recognize the confidence in my voice or the uppity way in which I spoke during the recording, so I’m transcribing and deleting the damn audio. There’s lots of sing-songy phrasing and hissing (don’t ask). I don’t know if it’s all me or I’m channeling and responding to Source or some other expression of my soul. Whoever is speaking, I hope it makes some kind of sense for you. And so we begin…

Where do we go when this body is no more? Have some mushrooms and you’ll see. Drink Ayahuasca and you’ll see.

So when this wears off and I am back in the illusion of Jasmine, then what? How do we get Jasmine to stop hurting her body? Stop making a hole in your head Jasmine (I have a fidgeting habit of picking skin off of my thumbs, biting my lip, and scratching my scalp so bad I had created a bald spot). Love yourself instead. Love yourself instead, you silly girl. Love yourself. Marry you.

See beyond what others see just like you always did. You always knew. Jasmine, you always knew. But it’s just a matter of once this mushroom wears off being the fierceness that I feel while under the influence – being this rainbow kaleidoscope of immortality. Sharing this with the world. Oh yeah, all that means ego, right? We don’t want ego. There’s nothing to share. Just be you. Just be…just be you, and the rest will come once you are you.

Trust the Goddess and come back for a reminder when you need. Anytime you need the reminder, we are here honey. Any time you need to be reminded of your fierceness outside that body, your fierceness while you’re in that body. You can still make magic while you’re in this body. You are magic while you are in this body. And you get to feel it through incredible sex with others that are just as connected, or want to be. Chad? Hmm, he’s not connected. But he was good looking. But he stopped giving you what you need a long time ago. Let go of that pattern. Let go of that pattern, please. Let go of the need to please a man. Let go of that need to live for others, who you think they want you to be.

What I’m seeing right now is truth; it cannot be concocted in one person’s mind. This is everything. This is everyone. This is Source. This is Source speaking! I’m a woman. I am a man. I am everythangggg (singing). I made you all with just a thought (laughter). You are all for my amusement, mmhmm. And mushrooms let you in on this great cosmic joke. Not many people are laughing though, but that’s okay. I still love you. I still love. I still enjoy your music. I still enjoy your art. I still enjoy, I don’t know, whatever you fee like doing to the planet. It doesn’t matter. It fucking doesn’t matter what you do. I am above you all. I’m above your religions. I’m above your beliefs. I am you… you are me….. we are weeeeee in harmony (evidently Barney the dinosaur is Source?).

There’s gonna be evil. There’s gonna be ugly. Don’t you see that you need it – you need it all. You need it all while you’re in that body. You need those things to feel important. But when you’re done with that body, no matter what you believe, I’m in control. I decide. There’s no getting in my good graces. You need not worry about those things. Let those worries fall away. One love as they say, one love. One love: My love.

Every time you’re born, every time you die, it doesn’t matter. Samsara doesn’t matter. Karma doesn’t matter. Just be happy you got the chance. Just be happy you got the pain. And do as many mushroom trips as you can. Do as much Ayahuasca as you can.

Marry if you like. Pretend to follow a God. Do whatever you want. It’s all entertainment to me. You are all for my amusement. You and your petty problems. They are nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your pain is nothing in the grand scheme of things. We are nothing in the grand scheme of things. But we are something because we are here experiencing thissssss (hiss), so there’s that. There’s that. We are putrid, we are beautiful, all at once. We are rotting flesh and we are rebirth all at once. We are the mystery of communication. We talk too much, we think too much. mmmm (moan), I talk too much. I think too much. I-I-I (laughter). All so beautiful.

I think about connecting with my grandfather. I think about connecting with other spirits so I can bring comfort to myself and others. But I know the cosmic joke (singing). How do I keep that to myself? Oh yeah, once I sober up it becomes much easier to go back into silly habits. So this is my chance, my little window.

Chad? You deserve better. You deserve better than thisssss (hiss). Chad. Right? That’s what my ego wants me to admit. That’s what this body thinks is important. How I let someone down. What a silly thing to consume yourself with. What a silly fucking thing to care about…in the grand scheme of things. When you see what really is outside of what you think is the world, you know it’s illusion. Chad falls away. Jasmine falls away. This planet falls away.

But while I’m here, I wanna do more, obviously. I want to mean something, right? Got my responsibilities like the dogs need to be let out, and we have to eat something. We don’t want anyone to mess up the house. Such silly things we make important. Such silly things, but it makes time in this body interesting.

So Jasmine as you sober up, and as you start to worry about what am I supposed to do for a living to make money? It doesn’t fucking matter. It’s all an illusion. But when I sober up, I want to have a backbone. I want to have a voice (hiss). (laughter). I want to have experiences. While I’m in this form, I want to have experiences.

(Outside with dogs). How’s the Matrix doing today? So many things don’t matter. So many thing don’t matter but Jasmine makes them matter. Jasmine wants to be special. Jasmine wants to think that there’s something about Jasmine that’s special. Mmm, there’s nothing special. There’s nothing special (laughter). Enjoy the ride.

(I’m fumbling with my cell phone, but having difficulties). This was the dream. This was the dream that I was having problems with my phone. This is the dream…it doesn’t matter. Stop making it matter. Stop trying to make sense. Just be. Just be. And enjoy the ride ‘cuz it’ll be over soon.

But while you’re in the ride, don’t you wanna do more than just watch TV? Don’t you wanna do more than just worry about if you’re eating the right food. Who cares if the planet is a sphere or flat. Who cares? Who cares? So when you’re worried about that dream, that recurring dream where you can’t get the code right on your cell phone, or you can’t quite use your phone, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

You are a being and I am a being and we are souls. (talking to my dog). Let us go inside and let us pretend there’s an inside and an outside. Are you sick because I’m sick? (dog had to puke or eat more grass). Are we that connected, you and I? Why you and I, and not me and the man that I think I’m supposed to be connected to? Why me and a dog are more connected than me and my own husband? Probably because she’s smart enough to eat plants and to see the truth. Too many people don’t want to see the truth. So I guess you are special Jasmine. You are special after all. You get to see this truth, just like Terence McKenna got to see this truth. You get to see it, but don’t go thinking you’re special. Uh huh, “It’s” special. The plants are special. Mother Nature’s special. They have a language far superior to English.

I guess it was a heroic dose for me anyway. But that’s okay, I know I’m safe. I know I’m safe because no one’s here to witness thissss (hiss), except my dawg. I hope you’ll understand in the event you have to go with Daddy (talking to my dog again). I hope you’ll understand that I had to be free. But what is free in the grand scheme of things? Sorry you’re not feeling well Shushi. Sorry for what you’ve been through as a child (not quite sure I’m still talking to my dog or myself). It wasn’t easy. But it was a test. You made it through all those things. If you made it through then you are surely strong enough to take this. It doesn’t matter. Just sit with the possibility that nothing matters.

Yeah…there’s that drive to take a breath again. There’s that drive to see another sunset, but it’s ego. When you witness through the plants everything else falls away – it’s all an illusion. And if you accept that it’s all an illusion, but you still got bills to pay. So of course you wanna figure out your place in the Matrix. You want to matter because you’re human. You want to matter. You want to build things. You want to say “I made this. I have this legacy. My name’s on it.” But language, your name, it’s all bullshit. Apple is bullshit.

Those annoying pesky reminders that you always heard when you were little – nag, nag nag. That’s your ego, but your ego can be your friend. I already know that. I already know that, but other people don’t know that. So, how do I get that across to the people? The silly people that want to think silly things matter? How do I lovingly get the message across in a way that they’ll understand in bits and bytes? Through music, through art, there’s glimpses of it. But Jasmine, the plants help you see what really is important. The plantsss show you. The plants show you.

So use your writing, use your voice. But the people that can’t see won’t see. You know that. You married that. Just be happy YOU got to see. Be happy you got to see the truth. Mmm, just be happy. Enjoy the dreams. Enjoy the lucidity. Enjoy the sex, and the food, and the art, and enjoy each other. It’ll all fall away, I promise (hiss). It’ll all fall away, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be in control. It’s okay to not need to understand. It’s okay to accept – just breathe in the truth and nothing matters.

I’m gonna dream up a better life for myself while in this body. I’m gonna dream up everything good. I’m gonna dream up, well, it doesn’t make sense for it to just be good – you need the bad to see what’s good right? I think I need a big cock to bring me pleasure? Hell no. There are pleasures beyond what a mere penis can do. Why do we give so much power to the penis? It’s silly. It’s all silly. It needs to be important to you – I get that. It needs to make some kind of sense.

It’s all about love if you choose it. Love outweighs the fear. Love outweighs everything. It’s the love. It’s all about love Jasmine. Purge everything else but love, Jasmine. Let it all go. It doesn’t serve you. Let it all go. Only love can stay in this body. Only love can be in this body. Everything else must go that does not serve. Love this body. I finally let you go of this body. I finally let you go….that which does not serve the body. (trying to purge). Don’t fight anymore. It’s all love here. You’re safe. So go. Go to the love that’s been wanting you all along. Make yourself available to the love. Let go what’s not love. Let go of all that isn’t love.

I know why the snakes have come. I know. The message is clear. The message is clear. It’s time, it’s time to accept love. You deserve love, don’t you? Accept it. I accept it. I accept love. Thank you. I accept it. Purge what is not good for this body. I purge what is not good for this body. I purge what is not good for this body. I purge what is not good for this body. Mmm, this body. While I’m in this body, respect this body. (heavy breathing).

I am the chosen few. Ha ha ha ha haaa. And you will never understand our little language. You’ll never understand unless you take it. Take a dose of the truth. Take a dose of the truth. Mmm. Enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ride. Respect the ride. And purge what is not love. Purge what is not love.

Is Chad love? Why do I deny myself real love? Stop denying yourself real love. Purge what is not real. Purge what is not love. Set free what is not love. Set it free. It’s not serving you. (crying). I am free of all those ugly things. I am free of my past. I am free of my future. I am free cuz I am Love. I am all love, and it’s okay. I am all Love. Accept Me! Accept Me! Accept pure love. If you just accept it nothing else matters. If you just accept love nothing else matters. It all falls away. Just accept It, Jasmine (crying). Just accept Love. It’s so much more than this body. It’s so much more than what you think is important. It’s so much more.

Oh God! What an incredible gift we have been given. We are just all a chance at accepting love. We are all a hiccup. It’s just about accepting love. It’s just about accepting ‘what is’ because it’s all love. Even the pain is love. Even every wretched thing is love – it’s all love. And It’s so beautiful. So purge those tears. Purge what does not serve and then when you come to realize love. Love brought everything into existence. Love, painful love, painful love (crying).

Oh, the birth…the pain of birth. The pain of death: It’s all about Love. It’s all a beautiful dance of love. (serious tears coming now). Thank you! Thank you for this chance. Thank you for Love. Thank you! Thank you so much for even the physical pain because it’s all so beautiful. It’s a beautiful dance.

Enjoy the mushrooms. Enjoy what the planet has put out for you, which is the animals and the plants. Just enjoy the heartache and the beauty. The rest falls away into the dance. The plants remind you that it’s all about love. The plants help you see. Just like…the dogs know. The dogs know when they need to go to the plants to purge. The dogs know. So during those hard times in your life, the plants will call. The plants call you back because it’s all part of the dance. It’s all part of the dance. There’s no judgments, it’s just love. See love in everything. Even in the pain see love. See love, it made it all into existence. See the love.

People are fighting over land and water, just see love. Just see love. When people are fighting over who’s the best candidate, just see love. Everything else can fall away. Just accept the love (spit). Everyone going through their own shit – just accept the love. You are not alone. We are literally in this shit together because we are one. There is no “other!” Divorce the idea there’s an “other”. we are all one. just accept the love, purge everything else. It’s all love. It’s all about love.

You will move on from this. Nobody gets out of this unscathed. Nobody gets out of this. Nobody’s more special than someone else. But if you just accept the call, accept the call and see I welcome you to see the beauty, but you gotta accept it. I try to show you glimpses. Accept it. Accept the love. I accept the love. I accept because it’s pure, and trust that it will take care of me. Trust. Trust.

Only accept love into this body. Only accept beauty and love into this vessel. Let everything unloving fall away. Let everything that isn’t love fall away. You just trust. And you just love. Just trust and love, and you’re gonna be okay. All of those past lives I was trying to share the truth – that’s what got me killed. Just trust and keep it to yourself because the masses are afraid. The masses can’t take it. Just trust – nothing else matters but love. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful and it’s pain and tragedy, and birth and death, and birth and death. Such a beautiful dance that I’ve been able to witness time and time again. I’ve been able to witness it because I am It. I am Source. Source is within us all. Source is within us all. Just stop fighting. Nothing else matters, but love and connecting to Source. There’s no right way or wrong way. It all connects back to source. It’s all okay. It’s all the right path because it’s all love. It’s all love, it’s eternal. It’s eternal. It doesn’t have to make sense, it just is what it is and it’s beautiful. It’s so painfully beautiful. It’s so beautiful. Accept Love. I accept It. I accept It. It’s beautiful and I purge what’s bad, but it isn’t even bad…It’s all love. Just love. It’s all love. It’s all love.

It’s all an illusion. but love’s not an illusion. Love is real. We all want it. And it’s Source. You don’t need to blame Mommy. You don’t need to blame Daddy. It’s all Source. It’s just waiting for you. It loves you so much. It even loves you through pain. Just accept it. Just accept love. It’s so beautiful. We are all beautiful. There is no ‘aspiring to be’, you just are. You just are beautiful. Stop judging, stop comparing – it’s all Love…if you just accept It. We are Source. We just tap in. We can always feel It.

I want to tap in obviously. I want to connect with people that want to tap in. Bring people into my existence that want to tap in. It’s as simple as accepting and bringing it in to manifest it for yourself. Just manifest it for yourself, Jasmine. Okay. As Source I bring beauty into my life – not just in glimpses, but always. And I make it so. And it is so. It is so.

A Journey to Stillness, Forgiveness and Love with Mother Ayahuasca – Part IV

The following post is inspired by my work with Shamans and plant medicines in Peru. To catch up with my journey, check out Part IPart II and Part III. And if you have any questions, or a story of your own to share, please comment below.

December 14, 2015
Last night we participated in our second Ayahuasca Ceremony – far more intense than my first. The brew, made from Ayahuasca, Chacruna and other companion plants, had longer time to cure after it was boiled down. (We were told later that this increases its potency.) I made sure to finish the whole cup this time. As others took their turn receiving the plant medicine I sat comfortably at my station and closed my eyes.

Within 30 minutes, a heaviness blanketed me toward the earth while an invisible force gently hugged my body from all directions. It felt as if my back were fusing with the walls of the maloca. I was now putty in Mother Ayahuasca’s healing hands.

A vision of bright white, human teeth floated in dark space. They quickly morphed into the sharp teeth of some predator – a jaguar perhaps – with impressive canines. Maybe this creature was smiling, playfully welcoming me in to her world. Or maybe this was a test – to see if I was afraid. I was not. Instead I felt excitement for the lessons to come and an eagerness to begin.

I was seeing intensely colored fractals dance in the darkness of my quieted mind. The ambient calls of nocturnal mammals and insects seemed to slow to half speed. My own breath became otherworldly: slothful and deep, elongating and making distinct each peak and valley of sound waves.

Whenever the amount of imagery became overwhelming, I knew I could simply open my eyes. After the reassurance of seeing my new family of travelers around me, covered in softly illuminated geometric patterns, I felt safe enough to close my eyes again. My eyelids went from light switch to remote control, allowing me to bounce between different realms.

I was curious how things appear outside the maloca, so I decided to have a look. It took some effort, but I was able to prop myself up and away from the wall. As I turned my head I could only make out some small bars of fuzzy, white light. No where near as exciting as the kaleidoscope viewer in my head, so I closed my eyes again.

As I now focused internally I could hear and feel the living cells of my body humming and buzzing (purring?). I was in sync with the energy and vibration of life all around. Soon the sound of clicking, popping and fizzing were added to the mix. Was this the little doctors or machine elves that I had read so much about while researching psychedelics – the very same “doctorcitos” our Shamans mentioned in song?

The first Icaro seemed to go on for quite a while, maybe an hour if that’s possible. You lose sense of time when there’s so much for the senses to take in (like Vegas except the only thing dropping into your bucket is puke). Having learned from my first ceremony, I made it a point to quiet my mind in order to best prepare for what Mother Ayahuasca had in store for me.

By the second Icaro I could feel a dense mass forming in my gut, followed by the intense need to purge. After doing so I felt relief/release and thought about the guides or spirits that had been present throughout my life, watching over me when I was alone or frightened. Only this time I was able to sense them on a whole new level. Although I didn’t see their faces, my guides were seated just to my left and right. I could make out their lower limbs, knees pointing toward the sky. I thanked each and every one for being there for me even when I chose to forget.

I didn’t fear death in that moment, and I remember speaking softly to connect with my husband back home, to assure him that we don’t truly die after all. And that this place is filled with only love, peace and overpowering beauty.

Thoughts of past indiscretions popped up and I found myself repeating “I’m sorry” to those for whom I’ve caused pain – both emotionally and physically. This brought on an intense purge of tears. I thought again of my husband and tried to send him all of the love I felt for him in that very moment, and to let him know how much I appreciate his love – something I was unable to accept due to old feelings of abandonment, rejection and emotional neglect. I sobbed tears of joy as I felt my heart opening to accept love for the first time.

Along with forgiving myself and anyone else who’s hurt me in the past – whether intentional or not – I wanted to take this newly discovered love and expand it outward, to heal others and remove their suffering. But just as the thought passed through my mind it was as if Mother Ayahuasca swiped it clean, showing me that it was no longer my responsibility to do so. And so I let that go and felt lighter.

Once I forgave myself, and much of the purging had passed, a strong sensual energy surged inside of me. I somehow tapped into and connected to the Earth below, Nature all around and the Cosmos above – all on a level that cannot be explained. I realized in that moment the sexual energy I had been chasing most of my life was false pleasure, which only led to further insecurity and insatiable fulfillment of an emotional void. Mother Ayahuasca showed me that I no longer need sex to feel whole or secure in my relationship. And I got the sense that whenever I needed a reminder I can return to this place, and that anything I seek outside of myself is already within.

One of the biggest gifts from this second experience was the temporary shutdown of the ego. Because of this I was able to observe and feel without judgement or labels. What a blessing to be granted a few hours free from negative chatter (you have no idea…or maybe you do)!

I hear the flower bath ceremony has started, so I’m going to put on my bathing suit and prepare for the shock of cold. Let it help close this second Ayahuasca experience as it invigorates, refreshes and restores me. I can only imagine what Mother Ayahuasca will teach me in the third round.

To be continued

A Journey to Stillness, Forgiveness and Love with Mother Ayahuasca – Part II

This is the second installment inspired by my 10-night stay at the SpiritQuest Sanctuary in Peru, where I worked with Shamans and plant medicines. Part I can be found here.

December 12, 2015
At the Sanctuary it is customary to have a day of rest and reflection after each Ayahuasca Ceremony. Last night was our first journey with Mother Aya, and I can already see the genius in how things flow here. Even though I slept well last night, my mind and body feel drained and in need of energy replenishment through great food, rest and relaxation.

IMG_4911I haven’t mentioned the climate, but it’s been very hot and humid. So you can almost imagine how shockingly cold this morning’s Flower Bath turned out to be (baños de flores or Flower Bath is a Shamanic ceremony of healing that closes the previous night’s work with Ayahuasca). It woke me up on many levels. I panicked a bit at the start as full bowls of water were being dumped atop my head. I felt as if I was underwater and didn’t know when it was safe to gasp for air, so I held my breath until doña Eliana moved on to soak the rest of my body. As I sat there shivering and trying to slow my breath don Rober offered blessings through prayer, tobacco and song.

Everyone looks so invigorated and even more beautiful stepping away from the Flower Bath house. Huge smiles can be seen on each barely-clothed human, bodies adorned with sweet smelling, brightly colored flower petals. You start to feel an even deeper, primal connection to The Amazon and her people, plants and animals being part of these rituals.

IMG_4907Yesterday afternoon we gathered outside the ceremonial maloca for a light snack of fruit and tea (we would be skipping dinner to prevent interference with the purging process in ceremony) to discuss how the evening’s Ayahuasca Ceremony would go. We then we entered the maloca to choose where we would like to sit. We were offered a choice between a stationary chair, a rocking chair or a floor mat. I decided I would be most comfortable on the ground so I placed two mats against an outer wall for back support. I chose a spot near an exit close to my room in case I needed to call “baño” for bathroom – the only word we’re allowed to speak during ceremony.

At 9:30 that evening we quietly gathered in the maloca and took our seats, purge buckets placed at each spot. The room was beautifully illuminated by candles. As we settled down, don Carlos handed each of us a few napkins in case we purge during ceremony. I place them next to my water bottle, and scrunch my blanket up behind me for added comfort and and support. Soon our Shaman don Rober offers blessings to the group and then exchanges blessings with each of the other Shamans. When the brew has been blessed (which entails whistling an Icaro and blowing tobacco into each bottle) and measured we start taking turns kneeling at the alter, accepting our cup from don Carlos, pausing for a moment to silently state our intentions, drinking the sacred brew, handing our cup back to don Carlos before standing and returning to our seats. We had the option of lighting and smoking mapacho to heighten the experience, but after the sinus and head trouble earlier I decided to abstain.

IMG_4902I didn’t mind the bitter taste of the boiled down brew of Ayahuasca (with companion plants chacruna, oco yage and huambisa), but I have to admit I stopped before finishing the whole cup. It was too much for me to get down without stopping to breathe, so instead of taking a beat and continuing I got embarrassed and handed the cup back to don Carlos. I should have been more in the moment and focusing on my intentions instead of caring about how I looked – I won’t make that mistake again.

I believe this newness, the anxiety and anticipation around it all is why multiple sessions of Ayahuasca makes sense. You get that initial rehearsal out of the way, allowing you to more confidently dive deeper in the next session. Without striving to explain what any of the visions with Ayahuasca mean, here’s what I experienced:

Perhaps within 30 minutes of drinking Ayahuasca could see a kaleidoscope of white on black – only there was no movement like a typical kaleidoscope. It just had that symmetry of fractals. A few blinks later a more colorful kaleidoscope appeared, but again no movement. I couldn’t help but smile because of all the visions I’ve had in the past (while sober, upon waking from a dream, or during neurofeedback) this one was new.

IMG_4897By the second Icaro I was seeing visions of an eye in the palm of an open hand, which then morphed into a female face mostly hidden behind foliage. Was this Mother Ayahuasca playing peek-a-boo with me? I could now make out half a woman’s face with the exposed eye watching me. This brought on feelings of euphoria as I felt ever closer to finding the answers I seek.

By the end of possibly the third Icaro I was getting impatient and I found myself pleading with Ayahuasca to show herself to me and to heal me – that I was accepting of her guidance and that I trusted her, but the vision faded away all together. Was I not worthy of Mother Aya’s help? Did I not drink enough? I began sobbing, but did my best to remain quiet so I wouldn’t disturb anyone around me. And since I never vomited I tried to accept that these tears were my way of purging.

Others around me vomited somewhat violently, and believe it or not that filled me with jealousy. My logical mind warned me not to compare myself to others, but the ego seemed to be running the show. I was judgmental of the whole process, and soon my jealousy was followed by anger. I couldn’t sit still and became irritable when the personal Icaros started. I just wanted the evening over with.

I hated myself for behaving so selfishly. After all, everyone here has their own story, their own demons, their own needs for healing. With that realization my anger lightened up and shifted more toward compassion for my fellow Seekers. The next time I heard someone purging I smiled warmly, and I meant it. I chose to be happy for others and take the focus off of my victim-hood to make the most of this experience. And I realized what don Howard meant when he said it’s not all in the cup. This experience, more outside the realm of Ayahuasca than within it, was still filled with very valuable lessons. I was revealed to myself in beautiful and ugly ways – lightness and darkness.

IMG_4890Long after the visions ended, and the ceremony was over, I left the maloca to sleep in my jungle bed. I had been through a flurry of emotions, which left me exhausted and in need of darkness and quiet.

On to Part III

Trip to Peru 2018

The following post was written by my Beloved. I enjoyed reading his take on our journey to Peru so much that I asked if I could share his write-up online. We hope you enjoy it. (Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

With excitement and trepidation, I have been preparing for this trip my entire life. Greater focus has been on these last two weeks due to starting a special Dieta, eliminating items less desirable to my body.  No drugs, alcohol, sugars, caffeine, processed foods, dairy… Well, I think you get the picture. I found the process easier than expected, and I followed the program for the most part. I had moments of dairy squeak by (cheese) on occasion.

Today is the 20th of August. Jasmine and I arrived in Iquitos about 7:30 this morning after leaving the house just after 4 AM yesterday.  Our first leg of the trip was to drive to the Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) in a rental car and hop on a 767 to Lima, Peru. We were upgraded to business class. Luxury was in our favor. Comfortable seats, excellent entertainment and the food! Better than some restaurants. Going through security at LAX was funny as I was pulled aside for extra screening because my hair showed suspicious heat signature. Too much hair. 

We arrived in Lima at 1:30 AM, worked our way through customs, rechecked our bags, went through another security checkpoint where I was again pulled aside for further screening (wallet left in pocket), and then waited until 4:50 AM to board the plane to Iquitos.  We were extremely sleepy by that point, and I had to laugh when the shuttle bus dropped us off at the wrong plane.

We finally got on the correct plane in economy seats and I must say they were torturous!!! No leg room, no elbow room, and some uncomfortable odors.

A saving grace was Jasmine finally getting some sleep. 

It was raining when we arrived and we had to walk about a block in the rain to the terminal. Got our wet bags and loaded up into a taxi. ‘Twas a harrowing journey to the hotel. Cabbie vs. three wheeled motorcycle cabs. Cabs by the hundreds with no real defined driving patterns other than “get outta my way!”  After much cringing on my part, we arrived at a cute little hotel and got into a room by 9 AM. We were both exhausted and crashed for almost five hours. 

The universe is constantly reminding me to be grateful. Even though we were in luxurious seats on the first flight, my entertainment console was uncooperative. On the second flight, my seat wouldn’t recline as others in front of me were able to do. Jasmine’s seat is also refused to recline yet she was able to sleep. 

On another note I was blessed to witness lightning from above the clouds in the dark and it was majestic!

We are spending the night in the Iquitos then off to the “temple of light” in the Amazon jungle where we will commune with Mother Nature during plant ceremonies. 

I’m going with the intention of healing past wounds and open up to a greater spiritual awakening. Renewing my visions and abilities to help others heal themselves. 

Tonight we rest. A part of the Dieta is refraining from sexual stimulation and for me, this was the most difficult part of the restrictions. 

Since starting dieta my dreams have become more vivid and I am remembering them with greater detail. Not all of them, just some in greater detail or the gist of it, at least my interpretation of them. 

For example The snake-like, shape-shifting man and woman. I remember the woman more than the man, the face was white (like a mime) with blue markings, yet it was her natural coloring (not fake like a mime’s). 

They were leaning over a young woman either applying or removing a mucus like material from the young woman, who I took for dead, all the while they were being hunted by humans. Why?  I believe because they were different. They had large snake lower halves and human upper torsos. I can’t remember if they had arms. Back to the point, whatever they were doing the young woman, she was revived. My feelings on this is a reminder, my visions and healings are just in stasis waiting reawakening. 

Another dream involved a mother with an ailing son (about four years old) seeking help from me.  Looking at the lad, he began regurgitating a sentient black ooze. The stuff immediately infected the mother and the other person in the room with us. I escaped by sheer luck and it continued to pursue me, forming hands and arms out of the moving ooze. It had a deep sense of darkness about it, and a great desire to consume everything. Taking over, is what I sensed from this and recent books and videos lend credence to this supposition. 

Small blue people were in the next dream with beautiful castle like dwellings on green grassy knolls. They were being chased about by a large human. Never being caught, yet continuously in peril. My take has to do with the feeling of being hunted or persecuted for just being themselves, or different. Something I can identify with. 

A following dream involved a young girl confronting Trump with real time fact checking and holding his feet to the fire, so to speak.  His frustration kept escalating as he kept losing control of the conversation. Hopefully he will awaken to the suffering this administration is causing and he can become a leader we desperately need. A light shining in the darkness, bringing it into the light. 

Another dream involved my driving a vehicle with others in the car with me, to heaven only knows where. I had a route in mind and one of the passengers convinced me to go a different direction. This seems to be the story of my life. I realize I keep taking detours in this life, all the while heading in the direction of being a healing light worker. This dream also had aspects of purifying water. I believe this coincides with dieta, purifying my body. 

These are my dreams and interpretations to date. I would like to also add I’ve had dreams and visions while I’m awake as well. Trippy!  Not sure how to put into words at this time. Time to put this aside for now and return at a later time.  Time to rest and reflect. 

August 21, 2018

Today we awoke after numerous sleeps. What am I talking about? We went to bed just after 6 PM awoke at 8:30 PM went back to sleep, awoke at 10:15 PM. I ended up reading for awhile. About 30 pages. Went back to sleep this time until the alarm went off at 6 AM. We stayed in bed until 7 AM when we packed up and got dressed for the adventure to the jungle. We went to the “Dawn of the Amazon” for breakfast. Great food! Went back to the room to freshen up before heading out. The pick up point was one block away. Nice!

Bus arrived right at 9 AM, myself and the fellow adventures were off!  The driver was very knowledgeable and I have to take my hat off to the city drivers. Best way to describe it is organized chaos. One thing I like are the traffic signals. They tell you how much time there is until the lights change and helps eliminate guessing if you have enough time to make it through the light. 

The bus took us to the docks where we loaded onto boats and traveled 20 minutes up river. After disembarking the boat we walked for about an hour through the jungle in rubber boots. So glad I brought them as the trek was very muddy, slippery and wet. A radiant blue butterfly (blue morpho) graced our arrival twice. The wings were iridescent blue. The flight pattern was flap flap fall, flap flap fall. The wings flashed with each flap as if a blinding light shown from the wings themselves. Magical!!!  

Finally we arrived at the center and was greeted by our hosts. Beautiful beings. After being shown to our tambo, we received a refreshing flower bath, followed by lunch. A tambo is a cabin with screens for walls about 12’ X 20’ with two single beds and a compost toilet secluded behind a short wall. Our home for the duration of our stay and close to the maloka or main meeting room. 

Time has a way of slowing down. We had a group meeting afterwords and a herbal steam bath. It felt like being in a sauna, yet better. A pot of boiling water with herbs was placed under a chair which we sat on and were then covered by wool blankets for about five minutes. This was to help our bodies detoxify. 

Relaxing now, until dinner at 6 PM.

Sunrise and sunset are approximately the same time every day because we are near the equator. 

Jasmine received a special service for her migraine. She was fortunate to escape the migraines during our flights. Especially since she had to abstain from taking her pain medicine for dieta.

We had soup for dinner. Light food, for tomorrow we start the day with some movement, then vomiting!  We will be given a liquid to drink, like lemongrass, followed by mega quantities of water until we purge. The drink is to fill us with light as we purge. I am ready, and have a desire to go first. This seems to be my lot so far. 

The jungle grew increasingly vocal as the sun set. As if all of the creatures were welcoming us to this adventure. I ended up using ear plugs most of the night. No need to worry about someone else snoring, I wouldn’t have been able to hear them over the cacophony of frogs, insects and such. Sleep was elusive. The longest was between 11:30 PM and 4:30 AM. When we awoke, we snuggled and cuddled until 6 AM. I fell asleep holding Jasmine in my arms. She enjoyed my deep sleep breathing.

After tidying up our beds and dressing for the morning activities we headed to the maloka for morning movement followed by vomitivo. Jasmine and I were first, standing next to each other as we started on our journey!!!  Ladies first was the order of the day but I was in close second. I found the brew surprisingly tasty. Finishing the drink, I waited half a minute and started chugging down the warm water provided in large plastic bowls. Not sure how many bowls I consumed before I started purging. Glad I had my swimsuit on. The water dripped and dribbled down my body as I chugged. Vomit was clear since it was mostly water, and I found it to be kind of fun. Even sticking my fingers down my throat was not torturous or painful. My throat feels a little raw, but not too much so. Jasmine and I showered off and went back to our tambo, suite number 10, to change and get ready for the day. 

Our first ceremony is at 8 PM. First we will meet with the maestros so they will know how to best serve us. What an adventure!!! 

A butterfly ended up in our tambo. I cupped my hands around it while Jasmine open the door so I could set it free. Twas an interesting experience to have butterfly remain on my thumb and start vibrating its feet. After a few seconds its wings joined in with the vibration and then, ZIP, it took off for parts unknown. At least the insects have been friendly, so far.  Did I mention the grasshopper on Jasmine’s leg yesterday after our floral baths?  If not, there you go! It remained on her even after we got up to leave, so she encouraged it to attach itself to a plant. She remarked about its determination to stay attached to her with its “grippy little feet”. 

Now where was I? After breakfast we were introduced to the maestros, two men and three women plus one woman who mixes the plants (vegetalista). The facilitators explained the medicine and possible effects. Their greatest suggestion was to go into ceremony with a beginner’s mind and few expectations. We will be assigned mats, which will be for the duration of the workshop. After drinking the medicine, we will await the maestros. Each will come to our mats and sing to us, our own personal song. We will be in darkness. 23 participants and 4 facilitators. At the door to the maloka will be a helper, and at the bottom of the stairs another helper to show us to the baños, should we need to use the facilities. 

This afternoon we had a group share giving everyone ample time to say “what’s up” for them. I’ve been pushing myself to break free from the scared little boy and go first for most things. I think I’m becoming comfortable putting myself out there. This afternoon I hesitated and another spoke up first. 

Now we await another flower bath, then yin yoga followed by our first ceremony. I am so impressed with Jasmine opening up and sharing her vulnerabilities with the group. I imagine it wasn’t easy to be seen this way. I know it’s hard for me and I act like I don’t care what others think. Truth is, I care less and less, and am feeling okay about it. Snap!

Good morning day three!!!

First ceremony is over. 

In circle before ceremony we were asked to give one word to describe what we were feeling. My word was “home”.  Reflecting on this word, I’ve come to the conclusion this is why I’m carefree about putting myself out there. We are like minded travelers, in effect family. And for me, my family accepts me for all my quirkiness and even finds humor at how I am in the world. Family, Home!!  

I am second in line for both ceremony and personal consultation. Not sure if this will be the case throughout the workshop but I enjoy being one of the firsts. 

During ceremony last night, after taking the medicine and returning to my mat, I was savoring the earthly, woody taste, trying to let go of expectations. Seeing how this is my first experience, I found myself in my mind too much, worried I might be doing something incorrectly so therefore I kept pulling myself out of process. 

Nevertheless I had visions after a few minutes of multiple faces flashing hurriedly by. Some with eye patches. I asked for them to slow down to a speed I could comprehend. This took me out of the first chapter, so I surveyed the area surrounding my mat. Closing my eyes I started seeing evolving geometrical designs.  Most recognizable was a long pentagon, almost like a building surrounded by other designs and patterns with Russian nesting doll characteristics. One inside another, inside another, inside another and so on. Curiously everything was in black-and-white to begin with and then everything switched to colors when the Maestros started singing. I could hear my Novia (girlfriend) crying in the distance. I sent her my love and envisioned her opening up to a “greater love”. 

I had the feeling like something was trying to escape from my body, so I opened my mouth and black snake or worm-like entities slithered from within, evaporating as they emerged. Creepy and cool at the same time as they were in bunches working to set themselves free.

Things progressed faster and faster. At times I felt overwhelmed and started resisting the flow. So much was happening to accurately put down, so I’m just highlighting what stood out for me. It was impossible to discern which Maestro was in front of me at any given time. However, my fourth Maestra was a woman, and her song (ikaro) brought forth visions of lights ascending in spirals like strands of DNA. Just two or three, red, green and light blue, dancing together as they arose and emanated from a yoni-shaped object, possibly stone which was shiny and dark, like rainbow obsidian. 

In between the aforementioned visions, I experienced a series of cartoon-like images. Somewhat like in the movie “The Book of Life“, when the boy was in the underworld. “Dia de la Muerta”. Some of the characters looked menacing and I found myself laughing at them, which turned them into comical characters. Lots of green colorings. 

Most of the visions appeared while my eyes were closed and disappeared when I opened them to see if the next Maestro had arrived. I must remember to surrender to the process. 

When my eyes were open, people moving about in the darkness had larger-than-life bodies with fluff or feathers attached to them. Reminiscent of Ewoks. As they moved, there was a faint smoke-like trail behind them. Almost like timed exposure. Way cool!  The same thing happened with cigarette embers and lighters. I thought I was ready to end just before the last Maestra performed her magic. Once she started singing it was a different story.  Her low, slow song was soothing, lulling me back into a dream-like state. I laid down and let my body relax. 

Soon after she was finished singing to me, four of the Maestros finished their songs. The final Maestra finished singing to the last student and it fell completely silent, save for the sounds of the night jungle. Ceremony was closed and we were allowed to leave. I couldn’t tell if Jasmine was still there, but I felt compelled to return to the tambo to sleep and dream. 

No one was at the tambo and I wondered if I should fire up the lantern (no electricity). I just wanted to use the compost toilet and retire. As I was finishing up my business, Jasmine arrived. And with excitement and jest she admitted to taking multiple incorrect paths to get to our tambo. We decided we would wait for one another outside the maloka after future ceremonies.

Back to today, I just had my personal consultation with the maestros. I presented some tobacco and feathers from our local turkeys as gifts. They are prescribing me a special drink, an herbal head bath and massage. I wonder if their idea of a massage is different from what I’ve experienced so far. The idea is to open any energetic blocks. WOW!!! Would be nice to be rid of my reoccurring headaches. 

Now it is time to rest until lunch. Jasmine has her consultation after lunch. At 5 PM we have our flower baths, yoga and second ceremony.

Oops, a couple of quick things. First, as I was drifting off to sleep I had visions of snake skin. Not a snake, just the pattern I associate with anacondas. This reminded me of when I was yawning during ceremony because it felt like my jaw unhinged like a snake into a gigantic yawn. 

One facilitator told us the story of how it is common for people to have jaguar visions. A story or belief is that the cats ingest both of the plants together and do a journey of their own. Funny thought, if true, do they dream about humans?

I write this, the day after second ceremony. 

I consumed the largest cup of Ayahuasca and sat back ready for another pleasant experience. My intention was to have the veil lifted so I could see clearly. Nothing seemed to happen. Cool experiences from the ceremony before were null. Others were processing like crazy and I was feeling disappointed after ceremony. Jasmine and I returned to the tambo together, whereupon I had a vision of her being surrounded by woodland fairy folk crowning her, for lack of better words, an Earth Mother. Her moon (period) started just before ceremony, after months of absence. 

I tried to sleep but my skin felt like I needed to shed it like a snake. Jasmine lovingly scratched my back, bringing temporary relief. After she went to her bed I had a sad vision of us being apart, yet together. Each going our separate paths and still deeply connected. 

I finally fell asleep only to start “unwinding”. My arms, legs, plus my body started involuntarily moving in ways I’ve never experienced before. This lasted the rest of the night. When morning arrived I felt intoxicated and found navigating difficult. Mi Novia took great care of me. I felt so loved and cared for. My intention was to remain introverted, yet when asked I readily spoke up and shared my journey. After listening to everyone’s stories during the group meeting I feel closer to my new family members, closer than ever before. 

We started our plant remedies at 5 PM and I had my head covered with plant medicines as well. I forgot to mention Jasmine and I finally showered since we arrived at “the temple of light”. 

Day six of our adventure has arrived.

I’m uncertain which day of the week it is.  

Day five was low key; just eat, rest, eat, rest, eat, sleep. 

I received a massage to clear blocked energies. The massage felt good, then the heat of the topical medicine kicked in.  It felt and behaved like “ben-gay” or “icy-hot”. 

We had our third ceremony. 

My request was to show me my gift, teach me how to bring it into this world. So spirit gave me the gift of holding space…again!!! Not what I was hoping for, and I feel good about it all the same. After returning to the tambo, I consumed a tangerine which spirit didn’t want me to have. After expelling the offensive fruit, it felt like insects were crawling on me, and my visions were that of ants running up and down my limbs and body. I turned them into life force, circulating throughout my body and the universe. Similar to a scene from the movie “Lucy”. 

Peaceful sleep happened soon after. My bed was damp and cool, which isn’t very comfortable to sleep in. After falling asleep I awoke to my body shaking again. Less intense this time yet persistent. Jasmine came over to snuggle and I suggested coming back later. 

We awoke about 6 AM, had oral intercourse about our experiences and are now awaiting our plant remedies. 

Peaceful day reading “The Celestine Prophecy” and wowed by the Iquitos connection. 

Day seven. 

Past the halfway point. 

Had ceremony number four last night. 

My intention for this ceremony wasn’t forthcoming so I basically let spirit direct. The time went very quickly. I didn’t feel the need to hold space for everyone, and ended up on a great journey!  I was offered a large scarf-like object held by spirit folk. It had electric light veins crossing through it like the small jellies at the aquarium. Very colorful. As soon as I accepted or attempted to reach out for it, the moving colors halted.  I felt like I was covered by the scarf and was accepted in ceremony with all the spirit folks. They appeared to me as stick-like cartoons. Again very colorful. The last maestra sang in a high-pitched, slow song. Reminded me of a siren’s song. I was very moved and started the involuntary jerking again. After she moved to my neighbor I laid down on my left side, processing. After awhile, I opened my eyes and beheld my neighbor Kim turning into a Buddha. Her head tilted back, bathing in the Ikaro song, and her torso from her belly to her throat was bathed in Golden Light, with symbols shining brighter from within the light. Though I could not read the symbols, I felt the meaning to be peace, love, joy and harmony. I was ecstatic for her and had tears of bliss flowing from my eyes. WOW!!! 

Ceremony ended soon after. Novia and I went back to the tambo where I continued for many hours with the spontaneous unwinding or releases. 

During the day I finally got up the nerve to ask Tomi if she had a message for me when we crossed paths. Looks like I had one for her instead. I asked her if she knew anything about Esalen. She said I was about the fourth person to ask her about Esalen. So maybe there is something for her at Esalen. The next day, her ceremony told her the message for me was “creation”, whatever that means. 

Ceremony number five is complete. 

Different experience this time. 

My evening intention was to “show me greater love”.

I was resigned to hold space during this ceremony. Then after the second Maesta’s ikaro I laid down and felt myself levitating over the room. Cool!!! 

I could feel a deep connectedness to everyone in the room. It didn’t last long. I settled back into my body and received the next two ikaros and somehow was asleep when the last maestra came through. However, I felt icy cold and couldn’t warm up. That’s when the shaking started again. At least that helped me warm up a little. Ceremony ended shortly there after and Novia led me back to the tambo. Thank goodness she lead the way, as I was extremely intoxicated and navigating was challenging. I had a rough night with the shakes. On a lighter note, I belched really loud after going to the bathroom. So loud it shook the walls of our tambo and startled someone walking on the path outside. They swung the beam of their flashlight around looking for the monster making the noise. Jasmine and I had a laughing fit, which lasted quite awhile. 

Sunrise is just an hour away. Easy day. Group meeting and eating. Early to bed. Playing 21 with Mí Novia. Steve sat with us at lunch or was at dinner? Dinner! And he got a connection of me with the first awakened one, Abraham. I am shocked to think I have this deep of a spiritual connection to God. Will definitely have to learn more about the Hebrew stories of Abraham and his wife Sarah. My question is, “am I worthy?”

BK started playing with the camp dog, White Spirit. The dog became more and more aggressive, biting BK’s arms and legs. Jasmine used the hissing sound and said “relax,” stopping the dog in his tracks. Everyone was shocked and amazed. BK was still reeling from the playful aggression and hard biting. The dog became affectionate with others and kept wanting to “play“ with BK.

Lessons:  Sometimes better to keep your energy to yourself. 

                 Provoking a conflict could get one into trouble. 

                 Play can be painful. (To name a few. You can add more here as they come to you.)

Just woke up after 5 hours sleep. Not as cold tonight.  Now 12:56 AM, will attempt more sleep. The night sounds are subtle, I will attempt to record them. 

Just remembered morning conversation;  I got up early and went to get food and tea. I tried to be quiet so Jasmine could continue to sleep. Returned to find her awake and worried. I triggered feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  We had a long talk where we tried to figure out when these feelings first showed up in her life and if there was a way to repair this aspect and keep it from continuing. She had noticed my hand touching Tomi’s hand and how my expression and demeanor changed. The encounter mentioned didn’t even register with me and I struggled to remember ever touching Tomi. Jasmine mentioned us touching time and again. Then way back in my mind the memory of Tomi coming up to me to share her message of “creation” with me may have been when we touched. The lack of memory and remembering has brought forth Mí Novia’s fears and mistrusts. After years of having her perceptions invalidated, she is sensitive to clandestine meetings and manipulations. After telling Jasmine I would confront Tomi with her being present, the chance meeting with Tomi on the path and asking “if she had message for me” reminded her of past events which led to her suspicion of dishonesty and belittling in her past. We tried to navigate and validate both her feelings and my own. Since I met Tomi on the path I felt complete in my interactions with her and haven’t felt compelled to talk with her again. Perhaps the overwhelming need to talk to Tomi was to bring up these feelings with Jasmine so they may be aired out and dealt with in the present. 

The universe is laughing at me right now! With me! A thought just came to me: I wonder if our sensual encounter was an unconscious attempt to strengthen our bond. 

Jasmine and I took a walk to the cafeteria just after 3 AM for a cuppa and ended up eating some leftovers. We saw a large frog on the path back to our tambo. 

We just had our morning plant remedies. I have been receiving a massage every other day. Today I asked Jasmine to come with me.  The maestro applied something akin to “ben-gay” and afterward I saw Jasmine receiving a massage from a maestra. Her migraine was starting to show up this morning. Perhaps they could sense her need for help. Today is the walk in the jungle to introduce us to the plants being used to heal us. 

Just returned from a jungle walk and was introduced to several plants. One tree bleeds a white, sticky sap said to rid the body of parasites, but causes violent sickness. Another bleeds crimson red sap, good for healing injuries and cleaning blood; The nickname for the plant is Dragon’s Blood. Next was the walking tree said to increase the size of a man’s penis. Ayahuasca and Chacruna together make the medicine we’ve been ingesting during ceremony. 

It was a little unsettling being in the jungle on small paths. 

I caught myself pushing Jasmine, and found myself embarrassed and disappointed for crowding her. Hard to let go of old ways. Fortunately, I have the awareness and can move into my higher brain to change this behavior. 

We just finished ceremony number six. 

My thoughts were “show me true love without heart desires”.  I kept seeing my two youngest granddaughters’ faces inside flowers growing on Ayahuasca vines. Way Cool!!! Again with the involuntary shakes. Way to go body!  

Jasmine and I went to the cafeteria after ceremony for snacks and met Steve, who got to witness my “dancing“ as he puts it. Too funny! Am unable to sleep as the tremors keep waking me up. Jasmine is busy on the throne tonight. One more ceremony to go!  Looking forward to closing these healings and sealing them up. 

During one of my tremors, I pulled the mosquito netting down upon myself and I became instantly itchy. Time to fix the netting even though it’s 2 AM.

During my purges simply opening my mouth let more snake-like entities slither out into the receptacle. Purging was effortless. 

Sleep arrived after I tried to read for a few minutes. 

I woke to the jungle sounds just before 6 AM. And feeling the need to shower. I let Jasmine know before I left. I was prepared for the shower to be cold and uncomfortable. I found it refreshingly wonderful. I stood under the shower and let the water rain upon my crown. I felt a deep sense of cleansing and to my surprise the tinnitus was gone!!!?!  With the jungle buzzing, it’s difficult to say for sure, and I’m hopeful!  I’ve grown so accustomed to the ringing, I’m not sure how to react. I’ve also noticed my right shoulder is no longer up to my ear. I’ve tried to be conscious about relaxing it whenever I could, only to find it back before long. Holding tension, as it were. 

Throughout my time here I’ve had pain on and off in my left knee. This too is gone. Holy Schmoly!!! This has been well worth the time, effort and money. A thought has occurred to me, could this trip be tax deductible? After all the healing that’s happened, I don’t see why not! Almost time for morning plant remedies. Guess I’ll wake up Mí Novia. Great morning so far!!! 

Last ceremony is tonight. I can’t believe this is coming to a close. We had a group meeting to give us directions on the follow-up of what to do after we leave our little slice of heaven. Basically continue with dieta and don’t introduce pork for at least a month after we leave. The maestros stressed the importance of sitting up when we are receiving the Ikaros as they will be sealing up all the wonderful work they’ve/we’ve done to protect us from harm. Each Maestro came around the circle hugging everyone and thanking us for all of our hard work. 

Before ceremony began, as I was getting grounded, a crimson dragon appeared, penetrated the earth with its tail and enveloping me with its huge wings, completely covering my bubble of protection with an extra layer and a beautiful feeling of nurturing Love.

Was a peaceful ceremony and I was aware and present, holding space again. 

But afterward I had a purging outside the tambo where I faced three seated masters as I purged. I found myself irritated at the level of chatter from the other participants. I could feel the anger welling up inside of me and being expelled as I heaved. I was also sensitive to Mí novia’s cheering me on as I purged. I was wanting to scream “shut the fuck up“. Thinking I was finished, I defiantly stood up to the entities and gave the snide comment and headed back into the tambo, only to be grabbed by another wave of purging. This time I had a large amount of discharge expel from me, and with it, all the hostility I was feeling. I felt so much lighter and gave thanks to the earthen entities. Still, at the back of my mind, I was in disbelief, so they teasingly rushed me back outside with a false alarm to remind me not to be arrogant. 

When I got back inside I laid down and had waves of tremors sweep through my body. Jasmine came over to comfort me. She placed her hand on my heart whereupon I gently brushed it way as it was disrupting the discharges. I didn’t say any words and she left me to process whatever the heck these tremors are. 

I heard her rustling around, saw her silhouette against the moonlight looking for clothes and asked her if she was getting dressed. “Maybe” she replied, which struck me as a strange answer. She was wide awake and alive, feeling like going into the night. I gave her my blessing and continued my processes. My mind has let go of resistance to the tremors, yet my mind started thinking about our recent encounter. She seemed to be mischievous to me, with laughter (which I both loved and despised) and indirect answers. I was probably jealous of her zeal and smooth transition from ceremony. 

I finally stopped shaking after 4 AM, catching a few moments of sleep between the tremors. Was wide awake, so I thought I’d read a little to get myself sleepy again. This woke Jasmine, so we decided to raid the kitchen for any leftovers. Just three bananas and a cuppa tea were available. Jasmine told me of her deep driving desire to break into the kitchen earlier in the evening to try and procure an avocado. That was why she was getting dressed. Such a little Rascal!!! And they call ME a Rascal. I must be rubbing off on her. We walked back to the tambo and fell into deep sleeps, awakening to the morning chorus of insects and birds. 

My greatest take away from this whole experience is I am already doing/being the one holding space and guiding those around me to help ease their way through life.  I am the Grandfather.  Wise, yet still learning, eager to help wherever possible.

Today the Maestros set out all kinds of treasures on the floor of the maloka. Tapestries, clothes, jewelry, pipes, rattles and bags to name a few. We scored some wonderful things for the family.

The energy of the tapestries were overwhelming and I had to retreat to ground myself again. I was able to get some sleep after breakfast but felt intoxicated the rest of the day. 

We had a closing circle sharing our heartfelt gratitude. The talking stone was passed from person to person, and the person holding the stone received gratitude from 2 to 4 other participants. I had a hard time remaining open to the gratitudes being sent my way as my old programming kept trying to tell me I wasn’t worthy. Yet the gratitudes were taken and appreciated, reaffirming my position of being the space holder and Grandfather.   Makes me wonder where the “you’re not worthy” programming originated. Something else to meditate on.

One of the participants looks like my son. As I was giving him gratitude, I found myself welling up with sadness at the physical distance between my son and myself.  I miss the bugger and am proud he is doing well and is happy with his current position. I told Joe who lives in Australia to go to Sydney and look for someone who looks like himself. It would probably be my son. I showed him my son’s picture and Joe was astounded at the likeness. 

I can’t believe the added depth this journey has brought to my relationship between Jasmine and myself, not to mention the building of a new tribe of like-minded people from all over the world. Beautiful beings all. Thank you Spirit for the many blessings I’ve received. Especially showing me that my ailments are temporary. Even though the tinnitus has returned, my shoulder and knee remain changed for the better.  Plus the ringing is less intense. 

Today, our final day, arrived with a whimper. 

The dreaded migraine is showing its ugly face. 

We packed up and took our stuff to the maloka for the porters to carry out for us. I asked facilitators to give Jasmine and I a head start so we could move at a much slower pace. We left about 30 minutes earlier than the rest of the group and arrived only five minutes before the rest of our new family. 

This has been the adventure of a lifetime and it’s not over yet!

We arrived at the Hotel Isabella exhausted, dirty, hot and sweaty. Getting into a cool, dark room and having a shower revived Jasmine and lessened her pain and discomfort. After getting towels (I got to dry off with a hand towel) and getting cleaned up, we tried charging our phones only to be thwarted with the outlets in our room. After some doing, we discovered the plugs in the lobby were compatible with our American chargers. The adapter wasn’t even necessary. So we sat in the lobby, charging our phones and reconnecting with family. 

Meaghan walked by and the three of us headed down to “Dawn of the Amazon” for food. A bunch of our group was already there and BK showed up as well. He had left a day early because of an emergency. His emergency was able to take care of itself without his being there. I don’t remember if I put this down before so excuse me if I did. BK came up to me before he left and explained he was walking in the dark the other night and after passing my tambo, I released a “MONSTER” burp and scared the dickens out of him. We had a grand laugh!

Food was good!  Two eggs over easy with ciabatta toast and avocado, plus a lime and ginger smoothie (tart and spicy). Jasmine had chicken fajitas with a fabulous smoothie made with cacao, banana and coconut milk. It was so good we ordered two more to go, which I ingested the most. Yum. 

Reconnecting with our new mates and sharing stories felt natural and easy. I didn’t have my old aloofness surrounding me and gladly opened up about my life, how Jasmine and I met, shared pictures and sorrows. Jasmine and I left to return to the hotel to check in on our flight. There is a possibility we may get upgraded again. Would be nice to have the extra room. It’s just after 7 PM and we are in the room. I feel myself relaxing, hopefully into a wonderful sleep.  Trying to refrain from thinking about a cramped flight tomorrow night. 

My granddaughter is such a sweetheart. When my daughter showed her a picture of Jasmine in the jungle, she became emotional and excited. I took three pictures of Jasmine blowing a kiss to her so she responded with photos of herself blowing a kiss and making a heart with her precious hands. Just makes me melt to see the little angel show such a deep love for Mí Novia.

The anticipation for the return trip was keeping me from resting, so I repacked my suitcase/backpack and regular backpack with care and actual gratitude for all the blessings of this trip.

Concerned we may encounter along the lines of the airport, I wanted to arrive two hours before our flight and so after meeting with BK, Alfred, and Shay for food at the Karma Cafe, we ordered a taxi from the clerk at the front desk. The Hotel El Dorado Isabella. Not the best place to stay. Very noisy last night with room doors slamming and loud party noises even after 4 AM. Our room’s electrical outlets wouldn’t allow us to charge our devices, the bathroom had the toilet placement so close to the wall my knees were practically hitting the wall, not to mention the huge chunks of paint threatening to fall from the roof onto our heads as we slept. Oh, did I mention the mold on the ceiling? I digress. 

I so deeply feel attached to a new tribe and the great ease and comfort sharing with them. Probably has to do with our conversations being authentic and profound. As in, not superficial or posturing. There are still “family dynamics” and yet an ease knowing we are all holding space for each other. 

Back to our return home. 

I would have to say ease was the overall flavor. Seats on the flight from Iquitos seemed a little more spacious. We didn’t have to haul our checked baggage from one place to another. The Lima airport was bustling even at midnight. Jasmine and I were disappointed we didn’t get accepted for the upgrade and yet the seats we did get for the flight from Lima to LAX were better than expected. After we arrived in Lima, Jasmine and I did some last minute shopping before going through the international security checkpoint. After removing everything from my person, including my sandals, I still set off the alarms, so the TSA agent used the wand on me and sure enough, my hip replacement was the culprit. I pulled my pants down enough on the right side to show him the scar from surgery and he didn’t have a real desire to see my ass.

We decided to grab some food before boarding, so we had a wonderful chicken fettuccine dish and shared a raspberry lemonade. Wow, the lemonade sweet and puckery! 

I bought a couple bottles of water for the trip home only to have to give them up at the next check-in before entering the aircraft. “No liquids” were allowed. 

LATAM Airlines has a nice way of loading the aircraft and the seating arrangements were two seats by the windows with three seats in the middle, seven seats per row. Didn’t feel cramped at all until the person in front of me reclined their seat. Still, I felt like I had enough room and my entertainment center was workable, although temperamental. The food was edible, though nothing like business class. Was nice to experience both. Four movies later we arrived in LAX. Oops, I forgot to mention at the last check-in, the people taking our ticket stubs lost Jasmine’s stub, so the crew member was walking down the aisle yelling Jasmine‘s name after we were seated. We immediately thought they changed their mind and we were getting upgraded. What a let down. Anyway, they needed to take the remaining ticket stub from Jasmine to get her officially checked in. Jasmine was shocked and said “That’s a first”. Then realized this has been her experience since sharing her life with me, and we had a great laugh. So many firsts!! 

Customs was a breeze. 

Getting my passport validated, the machine took my picture, printed out the photo on thermal paper and I swear my photo looked like the “Shroud of Turin”.  I wanted to keep the photo, but alas, I had to turn it in, so somewhere in the LAX customs department is a photo of me looking like Jesus.

Getting the rental car, smooth and the drive somewhat exhilarating. I only felt tired once, so we stopped at Jack-in-the-Box for a chicken sandwich and water then everything was smooth sailing the rest of the way home to our puppy Peppa. She was overjoyed with the return and I get the feeling she was a little upset with us been gone so long.  All is forgiven in puppy love. The house-sitter picked me up from the airport where I dropped off the rental car and we caught up with how everything went. When we walked into the house, it was as if no one had stayed there at all. So I asked the house-sitter if they did in fact stay. Yes she had, and took it upon herself to wash the linens and clean the house for our return. What a doll!  Jasmine took care of washing our clothes as I returned the rental car. We drove to town for some grub from a favorite restaurant and to restock groceries. We had a nice dinner of rice, beans, guacamole, ceviche, chicken with cilantro and tomatoes.

Exhaustion finally overtook me. And after folding laundry I headed to the mat in the front room to relax. I was afraid to go to bed too early (7:15) hoping to sleep through the night. I dozed off, awakening with a deep chill in my body.  I headed into the hot tub to rid myself of the chill, and I started nodding off again. So with Jasmine’s encouragement I went to bed. I honestly don’t remember Jasmine climbing in and vaguely remember Peppa, only because of her licking me as I drifted off to dreamland. I woke before 4 AM needing to use the restroom and apply pen to paper, lest I forget some of the highlights of our adventures together. 

I have little desire to watch television or get back to “the real world”. Yard looks good enough and will need some TLC later on.

Today is Tuesday, September 4, 2018