Love

Now he’s just somebody that I used to know…

Whether it was addiction or an anxious attachment style that kept me in contact with my former spouse, the road to letting go was not going to be easy. There were reasons to be in touch after the divorce hearing, after all. For example, our CPA thought it best we file our taxes jointly since technically we were married in December 2016. Little excuses like this kept me having to call or text.

But the thrill of hearing from my Ex was always bitter sweet. So I went back and forth in my mind with what to do about our relationship once taxes were handled. Whenever I asked my Heart the answer came in the form of tears. Wasn’t that enough evidence that love still remained? My dreams and sexual fantasies still included him. It was obvious that maintaining connection was negatively affecting me, on an all too familiar level.

His words and behavior certainly should have made the decision easy, a no-brainer in fact. But he would beat me to it, deciding to go radio silent first, for two straight weeks! It would have been longer, but he texted about some package that was going to be arriving for him. He had stopped communicating because I refused to loan him any more money, and making the point that he not ask me again. But he did ask again, some weeks later. Hadn’t I made myself clear? Was this a test from the Universe, or simply my Ex’s controlling nature, expecting that I really didn’t mean that cute, little boundary I set?

For 26 years it was The Chad Show. We actually called it that; it had become an inside joke. When Chad was happy, Jasmine got positive attention – even sex. What made Chad happy? Unfortunately, not sex. It was things. Brand-named things. Being in and out of debt was a constant in our relationship because of thoughtless spending. It made me uneasy, especially since I often expressed a desire to have an emergency fund. But the fleeting moments of happiness brought on by spending was enough to justify living with unease. Un-ease became dis-ease, but it would take years to connect the dots. Guess I’m a slow learner.

After standing my ground, and refusing another request for money, a tantrum ensued. “And how much did you get taxed in 2016?!” I replied, “You’re actually going to go there? Okay then, the tax refund is yours.” A couple days later he offered me $500 since I handled all the paperwork and paid the CPA’s fee. I honestly couldn’t take his initial reaction personal; I felt bad for him really. He was finally having to acknowledge the financial stress cloud that had been over us all this time. And as much as he hated it – or me for not helping – it was actually necessary for him to feel the weight he had put on my shoulders. This wasn’t for revenge purposes, but a need for him to face the reality he created so he can fix it for himself and his financial future.

So, two days ago I got tired of the back and forth. It was obvious a friendship was not going to work for me. I stated my need for No Contact. I’m ending the cycle of addiction, and facing what I need to change in order to manifest healthy relationships, and heal from self-inflicted karma). I’m feeling driven to write, travel, play, connect to Nature and incredible people, to sun-gaze, take risks, call in abundance, change my diet, meditate, channel my higher self and Source, and to be the Unconditional Love I’ve been searching for all this time.

4 thoughts on “Now he’s just somebody that I used to know…

  1. Just by ending this with him doesn’t mean that your karma in this situation ends. It ends when you can calmly state a boundary to him or “someone like him”, in such a way that you no longer feel emotionally pulled out of balance. And remember, your boundaries are not for them to learn, because as you grow and become your boundaries are going to change. So every time someone crosses your boundaries, you get to state them with a twinkle in your eye.
    Anything you do with your ex is treated like a business, and because you are the one leaving, you’re a little bit more mature than he. So expect him to wine, and treat like the child he’s so clearly demonstrating.
    Karma wants you to look at this in a different light. To cleanly break this connection with him, you’re going to have to hold in your mind all those weaknesses he has. Because when you see the light in him, you’re drawn to that. It’s like a person quitting the habit of smoking: they pay close attention to how they feel before, then during, and how they feel after having a smoke. To break this you will connect to your sense of deserving self-value.
    My blessings to you, for this amazing journey you’re on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand and completely agree. I blamed myself for a long time for his immaturity, thinking my infidelity created it or at least justified it. But after much integration (post my work with Shamans and plant medicines) I remembered that he had devalued and discarded me emotionally/physically before my painful mistake.

      When I read your other post on cheating I have to admit my hopes of burning all of the negative karma I created before this lifetime is over feels more impossible now. This is due to acknowledging that my infidelity didn’t only effect me and my then-boyfriend (I asked a mutual friend to confess because I thought telling him was the right thing to do at the time, and I was afraid of his reaction), but also the man I slept with and his family.

      I appreciate that post as well because it was brutally honest and helped bring that darkness (that reality I hadn’t considered) into light.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sweetheart, it;s not impossible, it just feels that way only because you’re not used to looking at it differently.
        The one thing that I can help you in shorting this path through this, is to remind you that this is your work to do. He may be the one pushing your buttons, however, this is your threshold to cross, and by pointing fingers at him will only lengthen your journey through this. It’s not what happened in the past that will make the change, it’s about “what are You going to do from this moment forward”? And please take baby-steps. We have a tendency to beat ourselves over the head for failure. This self-judgment is incredibly destructive not only on yourself, also on any future relationship. It’s not a bad thing that you have karma with this man, because when all is done and said, you’re going to come out of this walking tall, bright and beautiful (not that you aren’t already), and the wiser from it.
        Curb your need to tell this story about you and the ex, just stay focused with what you’re doing. Find ways to fill your love-tank that doesn’t involve him, and keep asking yourself “does this inspire and energize me”?
        My blessings to you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, I know on the one hand I’m not letting go by telling my story/truth in writing. On the other hand I’ve always felt writing/journaling to be therapeutic. But yes, I am moving forward and will fill theses pages with new thoughts and ideas, especially since I will be traveling and writing from the road.

        It means a lot that you’ve taken the time to read, comment and share your knowledge and support. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

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