Whether it was addiction or an anxious attachment style that kept me in contact with my former spouse, the road to letting go was not going to be easy. There were reasons to be in touch after the divorce hearing, after all. For example, our CPA thought it best we file our taxes jointly since technically we were married in December 2016. Little excuses like this kept me having to call or text.
But the thrill of hearing from my Ex was always bitter sweet. So I went back and forth in my mind with what to do about our relationship once taxes were handled. Whenever I asked my Heart the answer came in the form of tears. Wasn’t that enough evidence that love still remained? My dreams and sexual fantasies still included him. It was obvious that maintaining connection was sweet torture, on an all too familiar level.
His words and behavior certainly should have made the decision easy, a no-brainer in fact. But he would beat me to it, deciding to go radio silent first, for two straight weeks! It would have been longer, but he texted about some package that was going to be arriving for him. He had stopped communicating because I refused to loan him any more money, and making the point that he not ask me again. But he did ask again, some weeks later. Hadn’t I made myself clear? Was this a test from the Universe, or simply my Ex’s controlling nature, expecting that I really didn’t mean that cute, little boundary I set?
For 26 years it was The Chad Show. We actually called it that; it had become an inside joke. When Chad was happy, Jasmine got positive attention – even sex. What made Chad happy? Unfortunately, not sex. It was things. Brand-named things. Being in and out of debt was a constant in our relationship because of thoughtless spending. It made me uneasy, especially since I often expressed a desire to have an emergency fund. But the fleeting moments of happiness brought on by spending was enough to justify living with unease. Un-ease became dis-ease, but it would take years to connect the dots. Guess I’m a slow learner.
After standing my ground, and refusing another request for money, a tantrum ensued. “And how much did you get taxed in 2016?!” I replied, “You’re actually going to go there? Okay then, the tax refund is all yours.” A couple days later he said I could take $500 for myself, since I handled all the paperwork and paid the CPA’s fee. It wasn’t a full split, but it was better than zero. I honestly couldn’t take his initial reaction personal; I felt bad for him really. He was finally having to acknowledge the financial stress cloud that had been over us all this time. And as much as he hated it – or me for not helping – it was actually necessary for him to feel the weight he had put on my shoulders. This wasn’t for revenge purposes, but a need for him to face the reality he created so he can fix it for himself and his financial future.
So, two days ago I got tired of the back and forth. It was obvious a friendship was not going to work for me. I stated my need for No Contact. I’m ending the cycle of addiction, and facing what I need to change in order to manifest healthy relationships, and heal from self-inflicted karma). I’m feeling driven to write, travel, play, connect to Nature and incredible people, to sun-gaze, take risks, call in abundance, change my diet, meditate, channel my higher self and Source, and to be the Unconditional Love I’ve been searching for all this time.