Cheers to writing my 100th blog post! I thank you for being a part of this journey with me, dear readers. Here’s to moving toward our highest potential in 2017!
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I once joked with my husband that I found someone new while in the jungles of Peru: me. Unfortunately, it took that same me almost a year of integration to process something Mother Ayahuasca tried to communicate during my second ceremony – that I needed to completely let go of my husband if I really wanted to heal.
Instead I went into denial and convinced myself that the message was really about letting go of my insecurities toward my partner. For example, my jealousy over his growing harem, his insatiable need to rescue others (mostly women), his obsession with his physique, his lying to impress others, his “friends” that he’d bend over backwards but do little to reciprocate, and his lack of interest in me or things that were important to me.
Reality hit hard one day during a conversation in the car. Something we spoke about caused my husband to spew his go-to finisher “because I’m an asshole.” (I believe he did this to deflect, or to put an end to a topic he was finished discussing.) I would typically respond by coddling him – to justify his behavior in the moment – in an effort to make him feel better. But this time I took pause and realized that my habit of offering reasons he wasn’t an asshole all these years was actually to make me feel better. After all, facing the cold, hard truth would mean that I was in love with, and spent all my energy trying to please, a self-declared asshole for the last 26 years of my life. And that this asshole is what I thought I deserved until death do us part.
Well, fuck that. Fuck. That.
I thought about my mother-in-law and grandmother, both widows after putting up with and resenting their spouses. To this day if you bring up the past you’re offered negative stories if they want to talk about their late husbands at all. I saw my future. Fuck that.
I wound up apologizing to my husband in the car that day. I agreed with him for the first time that he was in fact an asshole, and that I will no longer deny it or expect him to be anything else.
As I process and mourn the end of my marriage, and transition toward a life rich with authenticity, abundance, and self-love, I’m filled with gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
How are you putting yourself first in 2017? I’ve started by refusing to loan any more money to assholes. Fuck that.