My period started two days earlier than my usual 26-day cycle. Could be age related or my body’s a little out of whack since going Paleo and starting a Neem Detox. maybe things will return to normal next month.
My pseudo-fantasy is that by age 42 my husband and I are able to conceive our first child. But, we have major obstacles besides age and the fact I’ve never been pregnant before. For example, he had a vasectomy in his 20s (it’s a long story). And he had a reversal about 15 years after that. His sperm were back in action, sort of. The doctor suggested prednisone to help with motility but one look at the side effects and I said no fucking way. If it was meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, we could always adopt.
A cousin had her first child at 42, which is why I’m fixated on the number. And she and her daughter are healthy, beautiful, extremely close. I think there’s something smart about waiting to become a parent. Not only are you wiser about who you are and what you want to be, but you have a better idea of what’s important in life. How can you pop out another human before you know who you are?
Financially my husband and I are probably not ready. But isn’t that one everyone says? Still I wouldn’t want the stress of living paycheck to paycheck when the priority should be raising a healthy, happy baby.
Is my husband ready to be a father? He says he is, but who is ever truly ready? I know he couldn’t do any worse than my dad or stepdad. Physically he’s not ready because he lives with chronic back pain. And it would probably affect him emotionally if he couldn’t tumble around with his child.
Besides my fantasy of traveling the world, I’m ready to breastfeed, and change diapers, and wash baby clothes, bibs and falling pacifiers. And later make homemade baby food, cleanup spills, and swoon over smiles, giggles and crossed farts. I long to smell baby’s forehead and nibble on toes and fingers. I can’t wait to have my hair pulled and get spit up on my shirts. I can already envision my naked baby curled up on my husband’s bare chest. I can’t say I’m looking forward to interrupted sex or sleep, though.
Yeah, I guess I’ve thought about it more than I thought I’ve thought about it. Maybe this fantasy is closer to a desired reality than I previously wanted to believe. Maybe I set it up that way so the let down wouldn’t be as hard.
The world is still shit, and not good enough for anyone I birth. But for some strange reason we were all given a chance. Maybe a mom is what I was meant to be. Not just because it’s natural, but because I’ve been known to mother my friends, my husband, pets, and my own mother at times. I give advice like it’s a necessary exchange for an in-breath. I make sure people have their jackets in case the restaurant is cold.
Perhaps if hubby gets approval for surgery, and is finally able to ween off prescribed pain meds, he can follow Paleo with me, and get his body and all the necessary chemical reactions back in check. I think three years gives us more than enough time to get him ready for making healthy babies. And if it’s not meant to be, we’re going to enjoy trying.